WORKING TOGETHER AS A COUPLE

Life used to be so smooth together, now we only stumble and collide. Within the couple there are reproaches, irritations and frustrations, …the occasional crisis or the recurrent conflict can often monopolise our energy unreasonably.

But what are couples complaining about?
– Communication. However, communication has little life of its own; rather, it reveals (dys)functions. Underground dynamics clash and cause sparks to fly.
– Lack of initiative. The mental load can be sociological (the famous division of tasks) or relational (‘I’m always the one keeping the flame alive in our relationship’).
– Lack of closeness, whether in terms of conversation and expression, or touch and physicality.
– The ‘bartering’ of love: the ‘what and how much’. When one says, ‘I would have liked you to hug me before I left’ and the other replies, ‘Yes, but I cleaned your car’… we are not on the same wavelength, we are not speaking the same language.
– The betrayal of an implicit or explicit contract (infidelity, broken promises) and the shock or disillusionment it causes.
– Etc…

Most of the time, the symptom presents itself as a disconnect. On the one hand, one person wants more of something (availability, participation, initiative, communication, listening, attention, outings, seduction, sex): she (he) wants a different kind of relationship. On the other hand, too much is being asked of them, and they cannot see how to meet all these expectations. It is a battle between too much and not enough.

‘If we love each other, it should work, right ?’
It turns out that love alone is not enough to keep a couple together. ‘Love’ is a wonderful concept that leaves room for a range of interpretations, projections and fantasies of all kinds. But if certain differences arise, something binds the partners together, cementing the relationship ; indeed, the choice of spouse is not random. The couple is the very embodiment of unconscious coalitions.

It is a matter of reading between the lines, hearing what is not said, translating, identifying patterns, untangling emotions, unjamming the gears and changing the dynamics. The aim of therapy is to provide the necessary insight to help the couple change or make decisions that are right for them.